I’m 5’7” and 106 pounds, so I’m not even that skinny, yet I feel like I’m going to die. Oh well.

That’s going to be one hell of a class for an anorexic trying to recover. Isn’t it lovely how much the universe loves me? If I get bitched at for having a very low BMI or by having an even lower body fat percentage, I’m going to lose it.

mmmmmmm 

STOP FUCKING GLORIFYING MY MENTAL ILLNESS LIKE IT’S SOME PRECIOUS TROPHY THAT I SHOULD BE FUCKING PROUD OF!!

Seriously, you all are bitches, and I hope you get help for that eating disorder that you pretend to have for attention. “I ate a salad for dinner! I’m so anorexic!” Yeah, shut the fuck up. I went days without eating and almost died, and at one point of my 21 year old life, I only had less than 6 months to live. You think you know what anorexia is? You don’t. So shut the fuck up.

God, no wonder why I’m so misanthropic. People are so fucking stupid, especially preteen girls who make my mental illness look like it’s a joke, which then leads to society thinking it’s just a vanity issue instead of a real mental illness.

I’m sorry, but this quote gets me angry. You can’t try to be anorexic. You either are or your not. It’s people like you that make light of this illness and make it seem like it’s something people should want to have or aspire to be because being anorexic is like a fucking trophy or something, that drives this pro anorexia mindset and make it seem like it’s glamorous. I’m sorry, but I’m someone who ACTUALLY suffers with this illness. I don’t even fucking want it! Do you know how it feels to weigh yourself constantly, be thirsty, hungry, and exhausted all of the fucking time, truly hating everything about the female body, feeling like a slave nonstop, feeling depressed and suicidal, wanting to kill yourself at times when the disorder takes full control and leaves you feeling dead inside, etc.? Do you know how it feels to be 21 years old and to fear going out so much because one drink will add weight to the scale and your disorder won’t tolerate that? Do you know how it feels to be a slave to a mental illness that dictates everything in your life? No. You don’t. So don’t give me this fucking “I tried being anorexic” like it’s laughable. Shut the fuck up. You don’t know how it feels, you ignorant cunt. I hate having my mental illness being taken so lightly and I hate more that girls all over the internet and in real life fucking envy me for being anorexic or are jealous of me for having it. Are you jealous of me? Someone who is a slave? Someone who cannot have a normal life because she’s sick? Yeah. You need mental help if you envy someone like me. Yes, I am astonishingly beautiful, intelligent, and have a good sense of humor, but being envious of me because I’m anorexic? Shut the fuck up.

Sorry. Just needed to vent.

Despite being skin and bone, I do have a nice smile.

eudaimonistic said: It’s a wonderful thing to provide visibility. Many won’t or can’t and refuse to accept that they have anorexia. I think providing this transparency demonstrates a lot of integrity and personal will, or at least it does for those who need to see it.

I figure that if I have this illness (and since it’s chronic, I’ll have it until I die) I’m not going to be ashamed of it. I don’t like to admit it, but this illness is part of who I am, unfortunately, and I’m not ashamed or guilty of showing both my negative and positive sides or aspects of myself. My bones are very visible. My body looks sick. It is what it is. I’m not so happy about relapsing, but I’m not going to feel like a terrible person for it either, and I still find myself to be beautiful and I love myself. I think one of the numerous reasons as to why I am so outspoken about my eating disorder is because I feel that maybe I will inspire others who suffer to not be so ashamed and to speak out about their illnesses also and to seek help. Moreover, I want to show that this is a real illness and not just some fad or trend that people somehow catch from the ridiculous media or “society”.

This is what a relapse looks like. :-/

Pro ana = Whinny girls (and some boys) between the sophomoric ages of approximately 13 to 17 who bitch about how every thin girl (even if she is healthy or naturally thin) is anorexic and is desperate for attention. Many “pro ana”s will say ridiculous things such as “OMG I only ate a salad for dinner! I’m so anorexic!” or “Yeah, I skipped lunch one day. I totally have an eating disorder!”. These girls need mental help for wanting to get attention in such a negative way and glamorizing a very deadly mental condition that can kill and severely damage a person who actually has it. “Pro ana”s typically don’t understand even the cause of anorexia, which is unknown, and blame it on the media, which in most cases, isn’t the cause.

Being anorexic= A person who truly suffers with anorexia can be of any age, race, and sex (although, most cases effect females), and feels traumatic mental pain everyday. An anorexic person will use food as a coping mechanism to feel like he or she has control in his or her life. The cause of anorexia is unknown, but it has been said to be genetic. A healthy woman can diet, stop, and resume with her life. An anorexic will diet, not be able to stop, and can eventually end her life. Most anorexics will go through great lengths in order to have their illness be unknown, and many wish they didn’t have it. Unfortunately, these people who do actually have the illness and need help aren’t taken that seriously due to stupid teenage girls who glamorize the illness, making having this illness look severely less serious. 

I seriously ate a ton of vegan ice cream, fruit, juice, nuts, and chips today and still weigh 106.8 pounds.

Having a fast metabolism that allows me to stay at a underweight weight without being unhealthy and being able to eat all of the vegan food I want is beautiful.

I love not feeling empty anymore. Now I’m not thin and anorexic. I’m thin and satisfied. Take that, eating disorder! :-)

and what I realized was that I had very little in common with these people anymore. I don’t hate my body, I see myself as thin (for the most part), I’m 15 pounds underweight and yet I eat every other hour, and I feel that I am just as thin, even maybe thinner, than these girls in these thinspiration pictures. I don’t count my calories, fuck, I don’t even know how many calories are in the pear, vegan wheat bread, peanut butter, and glass of orange juice I just consumed 15 minutes ago, and quite honestly, I don’t care. I’ve had my weight at 106 to 107 pounds for the last year and a half, so I’m not fluctuating in weight, and I feel that mostly everything I wear makes my body look good. The only thing I have in common with these people is that I obsessively weigh myself when I am at home and have nothing better to do.

In just a year and 8 months, I went from a severely anorexic, dehydrated, malnourished, exhausted girl who was less than 6 months away from dying and had to withdraw from college to a girl who is determined, healthy although underweight, and highly confident, and who is doing well in college, as well as a girl who has a life and a sense of purpose.

I made so much progress in less than 2 years. I hope, by the end of next year, I won’t even be worried about my scale anymore. It feels amazing to not be starving my body and mind anymore.

Just because someone is thinner than you are, doesn’t mean that they aren’t allowed to take pictures of themselves and upload them onto the internet just like everyone else. You’re responsible for what you let trigger you, and don’t say that you aren’t. If you’re too weak and let this girl trigger you because she’s boney, then that says something about your character and will power. Not hers. Get a live and stop being like all of these other whiney bitches who complain that underweight women such as Felice Fawn and myself shouldn’t be allowed to publicly post pictures of our bodies if we want to.

Breakfast: 1/4 of a cup of oatmeal with a drop of maple syrup and a glass of orange juice (Approximately 160 calories)

Lunch: A handful of crumbled up low calorie vegan chips or cookies and diet soda or water. (Approximately 100 calories)

Snack: Sugarless gum. (Approximately 25 calories)

Dinner: A vegetable salad with low calorie raspberry dressing and a cup of fruit juice. (Approximately 150 calories)

Total: 430 calories per day.

Plus my hour run in 90 degree humid weather and my 60 to 70 laps in the pool.

Ugh I wish I could do this again and not die.

I know that if I attempt to start this up again, I’d be dead within 3 months.

Jamie, don’t even think about it.

I feel like working 2 days a week isn’t enough, and I really want to accomplish something that I’m good at, and I’m good at losing weight. I haven’t lost a significant amount in about 2 years, and the urge to do it is driving me a bit crazy. I’m starting to see my inner thighs as fat again, and I want to lose some weight off of my ass. All I want is to lose 5 pounds, which I could probably accomplish in about a week. Thankfully, I see my therapist next week. Maybe she’ll talk me out of this sort of thinking, and hopefully she’ll talk me out of seeing my thighs as fat. I’m a fucking size 0, but that’s not good enough, I guess. My therapist and doctors drilled it into my head that I’m always going to have this eating disorder, just as my rheumatologist drilled it into my head that I’m always going to have Fibromyalgia Syndrome, so might as well such it up and deal with the fact that I have two disorders that aren’t curable and stop falsely asserting that I’m 100% better when I’m not and never will be.

To make a long story short, I feel like a drug addict who is dying for their next fix.